Home, and all the things that means

The first 2 weeks i was home, i wasnt able to sleep more than a couple of hours a night at most, and i had no appetite. Im not sure why this was, jet lag usually takes the form for me of just sleeping for days. In this extra awake time, i was trying to make myself productive. My roommate and i went to target to get some things for the apartment, which is strange to do when youve become unaccustomed to american consumerism (which is actually nowhere near as bad as china) but i was doing alright until i went to check out. At the check out line i was thirsty, and i went to grab a coke which actually turned out to be written in hebrew and said something along the lines of 'israel, our partner'. In this moment the culture shock really began to hit me, i had no idea what this was or how to handle it and i was really upset. I chose to buy pepsi that day and on my drive home i was just confused. Were america, we invented coke, why would we put it in hebrew? Since then i have realized that they have these in many languages in celebration for the olympics in beijing, but at the time it had just seemed like some sort of cruel joke.

There are two things i think i am struggling with most here in america. The first is trying to talk about the things i did and saw there in a way that gets the message heard, and trying to relate to people here who have not seen and do not understand it. It is the american christian zionist and jewish lobby here that controls the media, that controls the history that many of us have recieved in a biased manner, and as i have said earlier it is those americans that become the most radical in israel, they are building the settlements, they are funding the military. There are few people here that have actually been exposed to any kind of real education on the topic, and the cause is not nearly as trendy as darfur so it just doesnt get much attention. Ive been feeling all of a sudden like i have to watch my words if i want any kind of useful career, like this blog itself could be detrimental to me in the future and having to weigh out all these things against my desire to help and it has made me feel fearful and strange. Even talking to close friends or family members i have encountered the idea that the things i am saying cannot be true because they conflict with the things they have been taught. It is hard, because all of this has become so important to me.

The second thing that may perhaps be the hardest is Palestine itself. I miss everyone and everything there so much, but at the same time i am forced to realize that those memories can never be replicated. by the time i go back, even if it is just next summer everything is going to be differant. The place ive been dying to go back to will not be there, but will instead be replaced by something else, something sadder, and it will be like this every time. To make this clearer i will just give a few examples, obviously the west bank will change a great deal, but i will just talk about where i lived for now. Oush Grab, the place where we had the bingo protest for the settlers so jokingly will be an actual settlement. Even though it is illegal in that zone, they have somehow gotten the man power behind it and are going to begin its real creation soon. This will of course change beit sahour a great deal because now, instead of on the next hill, it will literally be a short walk down the street from where i lived to the nearest settlement which will of course cause tension and conflict in the area due to harrassment from then on the palestinian residents. The wall will be much larger, it will probably have already surrounded bethlehem on all four sides, creating a sort of isolated ghetto with almost no mobility, choking the economy there. Many more homes will be demolished and not rebuilt. The morale will probably be much lower and more desperate, and many of those die hard palestinians i had known will probably have given up and moved out. Many of the roads through the west bank are israeli only, and so the palestinians have been forced to tunnel underneath or attain some sort of rare and special permit. Now they are going to divide it entirely so many roads will be double decker, and segregated. These new aparthied roads im sure will create some sort of a stir as it is blatent, obvious racial segregation rather than security. The whole place will be something else, the whole feeling will be differant, and i am sad just thinking that in just one year the situation will become that much worse, that it does every year and still noone here is doing anything.

Still i believe now that it will be worth it to endure these things to return and to help, i have no choice in life but to follow my heart

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

Mahatma Gandhi